How to play Conkers
The parks of London are stuffed full of large, glossy conkers. The youth of today is apparently not collecting them to play conkers in the school playground.
This is clearly a tragedy, sign of declining moral standards, things better in the old days when all children needed was a piece of coal and a sugar mouse, etc etc.
But Wicked Uncle is not just The World’s Best E-Toyshop, we are also a force for good in the world.
In order to encourage appropriate conker behaviour, we will donate 3 x £20 Wicked Uncle vouchers for the first three pictures sent in to us showing a battle scarred conker and a sworn statement that this conker has been used in battle in the previous seven days and is at least a “three-er”.
Just in case anybody does not know how to play conkers, the steps to take are these:
1. Find chestnut tree. Examine area underneath during early autumn months to locate spiky green things. Open spiky green things, extract glossy chestnut coloured conker.
2. Take conker home. Possibly apply age old remedies to make conkers tougher and
harder – ie soak in vinegar, bake by fire, dry out naturally, use witchcraft.
harder – ie soak in vinegar, bake by fire, dry out naturally, use witchcraft.3. Take pointy object, the pointy bits of a pair of dividers form a geometry set do nicely, and bore hole through middle. Put string through and tie knot on bottom to stop conker falling off.
4. Find other kid with conker. Challenge to fight. Hold conker up on end of string. Kid uses own conker to bash your conker. Then you have a go. Repeat until one conker is smashed to pieces and disintegrates. You now have a one-er. Or possibly an ex-conker. Repeat with new conker until all conkers in playground destroyed.
Next email we will consider other old British customs like bear baiting and witch ducking, both also sadly fallen into disuse. Or we will try to sell you really cool modern stuff to send as presents to deserving children.
Happy Conker Season,
The Wicked Uncle Conker Team
Ps Please forward this email to a friend – preferably one with children or an interest in conkers……
PPS Some miscellaneous jokes for all those who read this far……
Q. What happens when you illegally park a frog?
A. It gets “Toad” away.
A. It gets “Toad” away.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm… well there’s an interesting question isn’t it ?
A: Define “lightbulb”…..
A: Hmmm… well there’s an interesting question isn’t it ?
A: Define “lightbulb”…..
Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. “Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality.”
A: None. “Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality.”
There are 3 ways to get something done:
1. Do it yourself.
2. Hire someone to do it for you.
3. Forbid your kids to do it.
1. Do it yourself.
2. Hire someone to do it for you.
3. Forbid your kids to do it.
PPPs Another bedtime story from Storynory – about a Frog. Probably a very clever Frog. Click here
